A Ridiculous, Woefully Oversimplified, Largely Ignorant Solution Based on Simplistically Arrived-At Conclusions.
Mark Vaugn - AutoWeek - Nov. 22, 2006
2007 Lamborghini Murcielago - EPA rated at just 9 city/14 highway
Here’s the whole solution to the Earth’s woes: Drive, baby, drive!
The way I see it, it’s all about the oil, right? Without oil in all its forms we wouldn’t have any pollution, traffic, global warming or red light cameras at intersections installed by corrupt local municipalities. But neither would we have the Flathead Ford, Big Daddy Don Garlits, the Indy 500 or the Bill Blass Edition Lincoln Town Car with opera windows.
So it’s a trade off.
Nonetheless, at some point we’re going to be completely out of gas and then all our problems are going to be solved. Of course we’ll have a whole bunch of new problems then (famine, economic collapse, the fall of civilization, etc.) but we’ll figure something out.
First we have to get rid of all this oil. Having it readily available at relatively cheap prices is like having trays of donuts throughout the house when we really should be trying to lose weight. We know we shouldn’t eat the things, particularly the jelly-filled ones, and we know we should do situps instead of watching TV, but the new episode of So You Think You Can Waltz With The Weasels is on, plus, the donuts are right there, man! And they’re oh so tasty! Especially the chocolate ones with the sprinkles.
So the solution is simple-unplug the TV and get rid of the donuts, i.e. the gas. To do that as quickly as possible, I say, go out and drive something big and irresponsible-drag race it while towing a tractor trailer rig with the parking brake set and a chute deployed. Using up the remaining oil as fast as we can will force the issue of clean and green transportation much more efficiently than guilt-tripping everyone you know into buying a hybrid (with the added benefit of eliminating those smug bumper stickers on the hybrids, “I’m saving the Universe! You Should Thank Me!”). Conservation will only delay the inevitable. Why not use it all up in one last glorious celebration of horsepower? Like Fred Astaire piloting his sports car in On The Beach.
Then, once it’s all gone, we can telecommute. Sure, there won’t be any food because there will be no way of getting the crops to market, and the perilous Ponzi-scheme of an economy we have will crumble. And there’ll be riots and cannibalism, yada yada yada. But it’s going to happen anyway so why not go out with a bang while doing a wheelie? Who’s with me? Woo hoo!
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